Self-Care Begins with You

Courtesy photo: Sharing winter squash with baby.

Creating space for yourself through a lens of reflection

By Marvel Harrison, PhD

A chronic challenge of parenthood is managing self-care. Kids, work, friends, community, exercise, relationships, neighbors, elderly parents, the list goes on—how do I fit in all the demands? Most of us know what we need to do: meditate, exercise, connect with friends, be out-of-doors, eat nutritious food. We don’t need a list of what to do, we need time to do it. How do I make enough time to nurture my own emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual well-being? Quite simply, you can’t make time. You are gifted 24 hours a day, not a minute more, not a minute less.

The better question might be, How do I manage priorities, so I have some time?

Maybe these questions can help you reflect on your life, consider your priorities, and assist you in sorting things out so you have more space within your 24-hour day to enjoy some self-care, some time to take a walk or a nap, read a book, breath deeply, sit under a tree, connect with a friend, or participate in a sport.

Do you, or others, question your boundaries, that you need to say no more often?

Frequently the advice given is that a person needs to set boundaries, to say no. The boundaries that you set and announce to others, tend to be outside yourself. They can become rigid, brittle, and unbecoming. It might be healthier to consider that boundaries are a construct of identity. When you know yourself, you know your boundaries. You know what, when, and how things work for you so you can gracefully make decisions. You can say no without feeling guilty and also say yes with confidence and conviction. As Socrates said, Know Thyself. In knowing yourself, you will recognize what is critical to do or nice to do or what doesn’t really have to be done so you have more bandwidth for taking care of yourself.

Is your parenting life a precarious balancing act between kids and work?

Maybe consider it a blend of commitments rather than a tenuous balancing act of one or the other. Constant balancing can be exhausting. It will likely be a blend that will never be perfect, a blend that creates ‘good enough’ in both arenas. Nobody is perfect and who wants to be a nobody, anyway?

Do you find your work life exhausting?

Often a person comes home from a day at work feeling very tired. The temptation is to check out by crashing on the couch, scrolling on your phone, watching TV, or having a beer. Consider whether it is physical or mental exhaustion. If it is mental fatigue, a few minutes of physical movement—stretching or walking—can help dissipate the tiredness.

Can you spend time with your child by walking around the park while they are with you on their bicycle or roller skates?

Creating a regular time, a small ritual of moving when you and the children have all arrived home, can be fulfilling. Regardless of the weather, regardless of the tiredness, regardless of someone complaining, a brief time on a regular basis everyone goes out of doors together can foster deep connection. When both you and the kids are out of doors, taking in fresh air, moving even in small ways, life might be better. Even when it rains, the kids will learn that they never get so wet they can’t get dry.

Do you prioritize being a spectator over being a participant?

Frequently parents will spend hours being a spectator at their children’s practices, games, and rehearsals but struggle to find the time to take a brief walk for themselves. It can be as simple as walking around the soccer pitch. Maybe join the event at half time? Can you prioritize the main performance over every rehearsal?

Do you lose bandwidth, time, and your cool by trying to talk your kids out of bad behavior?

There are inevitable occasions when a child acts badly. Even when you cannot affirm a behavior you can always affirm the feeling that fuels it. Affirming the feeling and linking it to how it causes the behavior creates space for a child to move through the feeling which can interrupt the unacceptable actions. Notice, label, and affirm feelings, even when you cannot affirm behaviors. When a child is screaming and hitting their sibling for taking their toy, you can say, “I can see you are angry, and it is OK to be angry when something of yours is taken. It is not OK to hit.”

Do I own more stuff than what I need or want?

We are owned by what we own. Pare down on ownership. It will decrease stress and create space—mentally and physically—so you can enjoy some self-care.

Am I judgmental? Am I hard on myself?

Chances are you are not nearly as judgmental about others as you are about yourself. Children tend to learn more by what we do than what we say. Common self judgements include how we look or how much we weigh or how we perform at work. Negative self-talk comes across loud and clear, whether we say things aloud or not. Children seem to hear everything. Children are emotional sponges who tend to learn affectively more than cognitively. They pick up on when you are judging yourself.

Do you believe you have to be at every single one of your child’s activities?

Attending every event is not necessarily a measure of good parenting. A touch of benign neglect intermittently can give your child room to grow, self-explore, and gain resiliency. Of course, this is when it is developmentally appropriate. It might be interesting to hear your daughter’s recount of a softball game that you didn’t watch or your son’s rundown of how the music recital went. Occasionally listen to their life through their sharing experience rather than through what you saw.

Do you believe in unconditional care and love?

Many parents do when it is about their children. Often parents struggle with this when it comes to themselves. Children learn by how we live, more than what we say. Actions speak louder than words. Children pick up on everything, even when we don’t think they are listening. If you are physically active each day, even in a small way, likely you will be more accepting of yourself. Physical activity can build self-esteem and confidence.

Do you want your children to grow up and be able to take care of themselves?

To model self-care might be the most meaningful gift we offer our children. Modeling is an invaluable parenting technique. Again, children learn more by how we live than what we say. Trying to change behaviors with words is like driving a car with its horn. You can honk all day long and never get out of the garage.

Be gentle with yourself. Make a small nudge in a healthy direction. You can do this.

Marvel Harrison, PhD is a working mother, spouse, and loves to be active in the out-of-doors. She is dedicated to suicide prevention and currently works with a team developing the ABC Suicide Prevention program for the State of New Mexico. Quite simply: A is Ask: are you suicidal? B is Be present: listen. C is Connect: to resources and each other. Talking about suicide saves lives.